What is it that causes us to feel low?

I often wonder why things happened the way they did in my family. I was the eldest of seven children. I should have had a great life with no worries.

Yet, my parents fought and I tried to hide behind the closed door and pretend that I did not hear them. I woke so many nights to the sound of their fights. About what you might ask. I do not remember. I have lost a lot of my early years by selectively forgetting. I do remember things that I was told did not happen. Yes, this is disturbing to be told that it did not happen when clearly I see it when the nightmares came on.

I wonder why I am someone who has insomnia. I write this blog at nearly two in the morning.

There was so much that happened that I was never able to tell school friends. Who wants to say that your parents are fighting when they gush about the new tv or getting to go shopping all day on a Saturday. We never went shopping on a Saturday.

My mom was raised by her mom very strictly. She remembers being hit with a broom handle. You would think that mom would have protected me and not let me get hurt. I do believe that she could have prevented what happened to me.

Do you forget your childhood or do you know that there are parts missing? One day, I was home from work and put on the tv. I rarely watched tv but I thought I had time to sit while the supper was cooking. No one was home and I suppose it was curiosity that had me put on Oprah. Friends talked about DVRs and taping her shows to watch later. It hit home that the woman who was interviewed went from a poor broken woman to one who succeeded despite the hardships that could have kept her down and hopeless. I learned that some believe that it is good to have the hardships in life because we are strengthened by them. Wait, hold on, I do not feel strengthened I feel like my power was taken away. I felt that my childhood was taken away.

I know that I felt a lack of empowerment and a fear of authority throughout my growing up years. I feared authority and I was a rebel. I fought for justice for me for women for minorities and still do.

It was not just the times as people like to say. I went to a school in Sudbury that prided itself on being progressive. We were able to choose our classes and not restricted to a certain level or track. I have always felt pride in my education. My teachers were eclectic and some were down right odd especially the teacher of Russian Studies. Times were tough but not as tough as some parents have it today. I came from a large family. My dad made good money and worked hard. My mom went to work as I grew into my teen years. We had food. Not the best or the most healthy but sufficient.

Before I go off to bed, I want to ask if you think that problems at home contributes to obesity. Are we trying to hide behind the fat? What are your thoughts?