Years ago, I found out that a child now grown had searched for us and talked with her on the phone. I had been in another room when I heard my husband say, "I would know your voice anywhere!" Odd thing was that this child had left our foster home when she was two. She was nineteen. We had a rather quick conversation as she must have called before someone was showing up where she lived to give her a ride.
We did talk of her months living with us and she shared something that disturbed me. She had gone back to her mom and later was placed in foster care again and again. I knew it was a rocky situation at home because I had seen her mom interact with my foster daughter more than her own each time she visited. I had witnessed a scene at a Friendly's where her mom an aunt and cousin were stopped before going to the cinema. Whatever bothered her mom had her threatening that S. would have to wait in car while the others saw the movie.
It was one of those times that I held my breath and did not confront her mom. It was not my place to do it. As her former foster mother, I was bound to keep her situation confidential. Just seeing her and hearing her voice those years later and when she was grown was enough. I know that we cannot cure all ills. It was my place and time to care for her when she was two. She only lived with us from April until the end of June.
Now on to the hard question; a few years ago, I wondered how another one of my foster daughters was doing. Her situation was different in that her mom had placed her and her brothers in foster care when her life situation became tenuous. Later, it was determined that because she was homeless her children should not have been placed in foster care. Yet, back then the immediate solution was foster care.
Her mom loved her dearly and L. stayed with us for just a short time from a July to late October. I know that she was well loved because she was so happy with the other children that were part of my daycare. Yet, one odd thing happened when I tried to read books to her. She cried. I deduced that reading brought the closeness to mom and her hurt because she did not know where mom was to the forefront for L.
When I looked for her on Facebook and sent her a message, I did not have hopes that this grown woman would respond. I knew that in our hearts everyone in the family and friends missed her. I thought of her if not daily often.
I hold the children that I cared for in my heart and pray for them. Yes all of them.
It was a struggle to get our third daughter adopted emotionally because it took several years and was never a sure thing. I would answer questions posed by friends at church about her adoption with no good answer. I would hear from other foster moms that we have to treat fostering as a business and not let our hearts be too heavily invested.
How I would wonder could I ever do that. Knowing that some of my "kids" from the many years that I taught Sunday School from the day care and the foster care I provided are successful gives me joy. They are mine just as the two daughters that I gave birth to our mine.
How to answer the hard question as to why I keep L in my heart all these years. Just as I was falling asleep my cell phone buzzed with a Facebook message. I will answer this on the computer as I have a long answer. I was too exhausted to answer it with any clarity last night at 1:30. Did I search for L.? Wait here is the question: I probably asked u once before but I'm gonna ask again. What made u want to look for me again or did u just tumble across myname on fb?
I looked for her. I searched for her. Anytime I was in the state where she was born and raised, I had hopes of seeing her. As I worked at a Christian camp, I was hoping that she might go there. I prayed for her well being. I hoped that school went well for her. I wanted to get to know her. My heart is still with her. I love when she posts photos of herself and family.
Hard question for you maybe but for me, I will never lose the love I had for this woman when she lived with us more than twenty years ago.
What keeps your heart ticking? Do you have family or friends that you hold dear? Is it a new connection on Facebook that brings those people into your present life? Is it a good thing that we have social media?
Well, off to answer that hard question.
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